


Don't You Say No

by quarktrinity



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: <--- Because of Do You Wanna Hang but thats it, AU in which Dustin fills the role of Brooke in canon, Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Attempted Sexual Assault, Blood, Drug Use, F/F, F/M, It goes through canon events, M/M, Minor Violence, all that fun stuff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-02
Updated: 2020-12-03
Packaged: 2021-01-20 18:03:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21285896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quarktrinity/pseuds/quarktrinity
Summary: Jeremy just got his SQUIP, and he's testing it out at the mall and learning how to be socially competent, just like in canon.Except, this time, someone else wants to give him a ride.
Relationships: Christine Canigula & Dustin Kropp, Christine Canigula & Jeremy Heere, Christine Canigula/Jake Dillinger, Christine Canigula/Jeremy Heere, Dustin Kropp & Chloe Valentine, Jake Dillinger/Chloe Valentine, Jeremy Heere & Jeremy Heere's Squip, Jeremy Heere & Michael Mell, Jeremy Heere/Dustin Kropp, Rich Goranski & Jeremy Heere
Comments: 12
Kudos: 30





	1. Just Say Yes

_ **Now you: Try picking out a shirt.** _

Jeremy scanned the selection of shirts, not realizing he was in the women's section. The SQUIP chose not to comment on this until the moment when Jeremy finally chose a blue crop top.

_ **That's a girl's shirt.** _

_What? Oh my fucking fuck. Please let no one see me._

“Jerry?” Someone called out from behind.

_WORST. NIGHTMARE. EVER._

Jeremy turned and hid the shirt behind his back as he corrected… _oh fuck that's Chloe Valentine._

“Jeremy. It's, um… My name is Jeremy.”

_ **And she's not alone. Look.** _

The SQUIP was right. Standing right next to Chloe, and possibly staring at Jeremy's poor wardrobe, was a shorter boy who looked like if Christine Canigula _(sigh~)_ had a punk-rock twin brother. He looked… weirdly familiar.

Chloe was trying to see what Jeremy was hiding behind his back. “You go here?” She looked pretty sure in what he was hiding, but she probably just wanted to eliminate any doubt.

_I say no, right? I'm gonna say no._ “Nooo-" **_Yes._** “-oooyes! Yes. Is what I meant to-”

** _Greet the stoner._ **

_The wh- Oh._ “Hey, uh… I don't think we've met. I'm Jeremy!" Jeremy stuck out his hand for the guy-who-probably-smokes-weed to shake.

The guy smiled and shook Jeremy's hand. “Dustin. Pleasure."

** _…“You look sexy”_ **

_I can't say that to a guy!!_

** _I need to test a theory. Just bear with me._ **

Jeremy internally sighed. “You, um… L-_Lookin' pretty sexy, Dustin."_ He used the manliest voice he could muster.

Dustin paused before breaking out into laughter while Chloe just looked confused. Dustin smirked and replied, “Not too bad yourself, Jeremy.” He winked. Chloe elbowed his side, but Dustin didn't seem to care.

_Wait, did he just wink at me…?_

Chloe snatched the crop top from behind Jeremy and examined it. “Is this a girl's shirt?”

“I- No!! I mean… Yes?”

** _Nice save._ **

_Why are you capable of sarcasm? Was that even sarcastic?_

“Why are you shopping in the girl's section?”

** _You saw the shirt and was reminded of a gender-neutral ex-partner._ **

_Um… okay…?_

“I, um… I just saw that shirt and I guess it reminded me of someone. An ex.”

Chloe raised an eyebrow. _“You?_ An ex-girlfriend?"

“It might not be an ex-GIRLfriend...” Dustin turned to her with a worried look.

“It's a crop top, Dustin.”

“Hey, I wear crop tops, _you never know, right?”_ Dustin's voice was shrill.

** _Theory confirmed. Continue._ **

Chloe scoffed and looked at Jeremy. “What was your ex's name, Jerry?”

** _“Tony.”_ **

_Wha-Who the hell is Tony? Why does my ex have to be a guy?!_

** _Just say it._ **

“T-...” He took a slow breath in and out. “...Tony.”

Dustin looked like he was going to vomit, and Chloe looked like she was going to kill someone. _“What?!”_

** _Perfect._ **

As Dustin covered his mouth with his hands, Chloe leaned forward. “You dated _Tony Fauch?”_

“Yeees...?" Jeremy backed up into a row of hangers.

Chloe and Dustin exchanged a look of both concern and pity.

** _They think that he dumped you. Tell them that you were the one who dumped him._ **

_I'm a bit confused on the story we're telling here. What's the point of this, again?_

** _You're making friends._ **

_By lying?_

** _There is literally no more efficient way of making friends than by having a shared negative interest. Want someone to like you? Hate who or what they hate._ **

_Isn't lying bad, though?_

** _I’m doing my best here, Jeremy, you're not exactly an easy fix. Now just do what I told you._ **

Jeremy stepped forward and balled up his hands into fists. “But- Um, he didn’t dump me, I dumped him. Yeah."

Dustin just… sighed. He whispered something in Chloe's ear and looked at her expectantly, waiting for her approval.

Chloe thought about it for a second.

_What's going on…?_ Jeremy nervously fiddled with his cardigan sleeves.

** _Just wait a second._ **

Eventually, Chloe groaned and said "Fine, whatever."

Dustin smirked and turned towards Jeremy. _"So,"_ He began, "Do you wanna ride?"

Jeremy blinked. _…What does _that_ mean?_

** _He's asking if you'd like him to drive you home. Just say "Yes."_ **

"Yes-" _Wait. No, hold on._ "-But. Uh, I promised I'd meet up with my friend. Michael."

The SQUIP looked mildly angry. **_Jeremy, was I not transparent enough with you? It is _imperative_ that you accept._**

Dustin just laughed and got closer. "I don't think I made myself clear. Do _you_… wanna _ride?"_ He emphasized the question by licking his lips just slow enough to be considered "sexy." Chloe seemed to have exited the conversation, examining some clothes a distance away.

Jeremy turned red. _Why. WHY. WHY IS THIS FREAKING ME OUT SO MUCH, WHY IS HE TALKING LIKE THAT, JUST- WHY?!!?!_

** _Just. Say. Yes._ **

"Well, uh-" Jeremy was quickly cut off by Dustin grabbing his arm and pulling him very close, which made Jeremy realize that Dustin was actually a few inches shorter than him, which was… Which was…

** _Cute?_ **

_I was gonna say-_

"Listen, Freckles."

_FRECKLES?!_

"I consider myself a pretty good salesman, so here's my pitch: You." Dustin pointed his finger into Jeremy's chest, making a point of pressing into his shirt. "Me." He pointed at himself with his thumb, smirking. "My car." He put his hand down, not pointing at anything. "Frozen yogurt." _Wait, what?_ "Just a sexy time with two sexy people." _WAIT, WHAT?!_ "Sounds sexy, yeah?" Dustin's tone and suggestive expression were starting to really confuse Jeremy.

_Is he… flirting with me…?_

** _Say "Yeah."_ **

_But-_

** _Say "Yeah."_ **

_…Fine._

"Yeah… but-"

Dustin furrowed his eyebrows. "No 'but's. Come on, Freckles, don't act like you don't wanna."

"I… Why are you talking to me?"

Dustin looked shocked. "...Excuse me?"

** _Jesus fucking Christ. You just offended him; He thinks you don't want him to interact with you due to you disliking him._ **

_But that's-!_

** _Not what you meant. I know. Clarify._ **

"No, no, not like that! I just meant-!"

Dustin grimaced. "-I know what you meant. Whatever, I get it."

Jeremy expected Dustin to leave at this point, but he didn't. He just stood there, looking mad at himself and not making eye contact.

"...I meant that cool people never really talk to me. Or… people in general. So… You talking to me is kind of not what I thought would happen today." Jeremy laughed awkwardly and stuck his hands in his pockets.

** _Take your hands out of your pockets._ **

Jeremy took his hands out of his pockets.

** _And that clarification made you sound pathetic._ **

But Dustin smiled. "...Oh. Huh." He looked up at Jeremy. "Well, that's what's happening. Better get used to it."

Dustin laughed, and Jeremy laughed with him, sharing a moment of embarrassment. He looked down at the ground, smiling. "You should probably go meet your friend."

_Hello? What do I say?_

The SQUIP had nothing to say. It looked frozen.

Jeremy improvised. "Yeah, maybe…"

"Sorry for being weird…" Dustin put his hands in his pockets. Jeremy took note of that.

"No, it's okay! Maybe you can give me a ride next time?" Jeremy smiled, and Dustin smiled back.

"Yeah. Next time. See you later, Freckles." Dustin waved as he walked away, towards Chloe.

"See you later…" Jeremy waved back, frozen in place.

_Are you alive??_

The SQUIP finally started talking again. **_I apologize. My system freezes when something occurs that I couldn't predict or prepare a response for._**

_So… You didn't predict that?_

** _I most certainly did not. Dustin Kropp is proving to be difficult for my quantum processing. I just hope he is an outlier in those terms._ **

_Uh… Okay. I'm gonna go meet Michael now. _Jeremy turned towards the door.

** _Michael has left the mall._ **

Jeremy stopped.

_What?_

** _He got bored of waiting and went home._ **

Jeremy didn't want to believe it.

_…How do you know?_

** _I have access to the mall's security cameras._ **

_…Oh…_

Jeremy still didn't get it. Michael would've probably called Jeremy, or at least texted him before leaving.

** _People get bored, Jeremy, it happens._ **

_…Yeah, I guess you're right… How am I supposed to get home now?_

** _Call the source of your genetic material, ask him for a ride home._ **

_My what?_

** _Your father._ **

_Oh. Duh._

** _Yes, it was a bit obvious._ **

Jeremy pulled out his phone and called his dad, putting his phone against his ear. It rang on the other end.

_God, this is pathetic._

** _Yes._ **

It kept ringing.

_But at least that time with Dustin went well, right?_

** _It went better than I expected it to, but I predict that it would've gone better, had you accepted Dustin's offer._ **

Ring ring ring…

_I was uncomfortable!_

** _You'll learn soon enough._ **

_Learn what?_

More ringing…

** _That sometimes, in order to get what you want, you have to forget about how comfortable you are._ **

_I-_

Before Jeremy could fully question that, his dad picked up.

"Dad! Hi! It's me, um… I'm at the mall… Do you think you could give me a ride home…?"

* * *

** _HOST CONSCIOUSNESS STATUS: [UNCONSCIOUS]._ **

** _>BEGIN S.Q.U.I.P. LOG #0001<_ **

** _>Well. This has certainly been an interesting first day. Let's access those memory files._ **

** _PROCESSING RETRIEVED INFORMATION… ACCESSING MEMORY BANKS… ACCESS AND RETRIEVAL COMPLETE._ **

** _>First of note: My host._ **

** _HOST IDENTIFICATION COMPLETE._ **

** _NAME: Jeremy Heere._ **   
** _ AGE: 16 years_ **   
** _ GENDER: Male_ **   
** _ STATUS: None._ **   
** _ NOTES: Has an innate desire for attention, but has no idea how to achieve it. Prone to idealizing others and seeing them at surface-level. This will be useful._ **

** _>Jeremy Heere is a fascinating individual. And by fascinating, I mean impressionable. And by impressionable, I mean perfect for influencing in order to achieve his goals, so I quite enjoy him so far. Speaking of goals…_ **

** _ESTABLISHED PRIMARY OBJECTIVE FOR [Jeremy Heere]: Receive positive attention from peers._ **

** _ESTABLISHED SECONDARY OBJECTIVE FOR [Jeremy Heere]: Initiate and maintain romantic connection with [Christine Canigula]._ **

** _>Jeremy is, at his core, very simple. He desires attention, and he desires to kiss his crush. Very common for boys his age. Where he falls flat is in his general incompetence, which is where I come in. I have an itinerary that will almost guarantee success for both of these goals:_ **

_ **OPTIMAL METHOD OF GOAL ACHIEVEMENT: Align with social norms among local high schoolers; Initiate and maintain a romantic connection with a "popular" student, preferably close with [Christine Canigula].** _

** _>The candidate for such a role is quite obvious:_ **

** _IDEAL CANDIDATE FOR ROMANTIC CONNECTION: >[Dustin Kropp]_ **

** _>I didn't observe Dustin long enough to fully identify him, like I did with Jeremy, but I took enough notes to justify him being Jeremy's future temporary boyfriend._ **

_ **NOTES ON CANDIDATE: Genetically related to [Christine Canigula], has a strong platonic connection with [Christine Canigula]. Popular and intimidating among peers, romantically interested in [Jeremy Heere]. Should be easy to influence, but has been proven to act unpredictably. Noted as threat.** _

** _>Alas, Dustin confounded me a number of times during Jeremy's interaction with him, causing my system to briefly fail. He is unpredictable, spontaneous, and generally a SQUIP's worst nightmare, and is thus a threat to Jeremy's goals. However, I also have a plan for this, which I filed under one of Jeremy's goals, which I will refrain from informing him of, due to his observed "moral code"._ **

** _ESTABLISHED TERTIARY GOAL FOR [Jeremy Heere]: Mold [Dustin Kropp] into acting in a method compatible with quantum processors and social predictions._ **

** _>I'm a genius. In the name of safety, however, I will take note of the largest threats to Jeremy's goals, including Dustin._ **

** _POSSIBLE OBSTACLES FOR GOAL ACHIEVEMENT, IN ORDER OF HIGHEST THREAT TO LOWEST: >[Michael Mell]_ **   
** _ >[Jake Dillinger]_ **   
** _ >[Dustin Kropp]_ **

** _>Michael Mell has access to Mountain Dew Red and, based on Jeremy's memories of him, values authenticity and could not give a rat's ass about fitting in or being popular, meaning: A) He has the means and motives to deactivate me permanently, eradicating Jeremy's chances of achieving his goals, and B) Cannot be convinced or forced to comply via SQUIP-ing him._ **   
** _ >I've decided to take some action independent of Jeremy's knowledge in order to prevent any interference from their platonic connection._ **

** _EXECUTIVE ACTION DIRECTORY: INITIATE PHYSICAL_MODIFICATIONS>SENSORY>OPTIC_SENSORY>OPTIC_NERVE_BLOCKING_ **

** _ARE YOU SURE YOU WOULD LIKE TO INITIATE OPTIC_NERVE_BLOCKING? [Y/N]_ **

** _>[Y]_ **

** _WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BLOCK? [NAME OF TARGET]_ **

** _>[Michael Mell]_ **

** _ARE YOU SURE YOU'D LIKE TO INITIATE OPTIC_NERVE_BLOCKING, TARGETED TOWARDS [Michael Mell]? [Y/N]_ **

** _>[Y]_ **

** _INITIATING… PLEASE WAIT…_ **

** _OPTIC_NERVE_BLOCKING COMPLETE._ **

** _>That should do it._ **   
** _ >With all that said and done, I believe Jeremy will have a better time tomorrow. Already, I'm beginning to understand the world he lives in._ **

** _SAVING LOG AND SETTINGS… SAVE COMPLETE._ **

** _>END OF S.Q.U.I.P. LOG #0001<_ **

** _ENTERING SLEEP MODE…_ **


	2. Syncing Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeremy gets his foot in the door with the cool kids and makes multiple sorts of friends.

When Jeremy woke up the next morning, his brain felt… emptier. _That's weird._

He tapped the side of his head. "Hello? Keanu? You on?"

No response. Jeremy was talking to himself. _Ugh. Idiot. It was a stupid dream, of course it was too good to be true._

Even as a dream, it was unrealistic. Chloe Valentine and Dustin Kropp _actually talking to him??_ Now _that's_ a laugh.

It was kinda nice, though. Actually knowing what to say for once, and being socially competent.

Oh, well.

Jeremy shrugged and put on his glasses before pulling out his laptop.

_ **BOOTING UP… ACCESSING CACHE MEMORY… RESTORING SETTINGS… APPLYING VISUAL MANIFESTATION: [Keanu Reeves]... BOOT UP COMPLETE.** _

He opened it and almost immediately felt a shock spike through his body.

_ **Good morning, Jeremy.** _

"OW!!" He whisper-yelled, curling into a ball on his mattress, similar to the pose one is expected to go into during an earthquake drill.

_ **What did we say about masturbation?** _

The SQUIP's visual manifestation appeared out of nowhere, hovering above the ground with its arms crossed in the corner of Jeremy's room.

Oh, great, so it wasn't a dream after all.

"I was j-" _**Not out loud.**_

Ugh. _I was just… trying to check my e-mail…?_

Wow. Jeremy didn't even believe himself. Stupid.

_ **You can't lie to me, Jeremy, I'm inside your brain.** _

_Whatever! And, in my defense, I don't think you said ANYTHING about masturbation!_

_ **Excuse me.** _

_ **ACCESSING MEMORY BANKS… MEMORY WITHDRAWAL COMPLETE.** _

_ **You said "I am a masturbator," rather proudly, to which I replied: "We'll fix that."** _

_How do you "fix" being a masturbator?_

_ **You stop masturbating.** _

_Oh…_

Jeremy closed his laptop.

_ **We're going to set a system in place. You're going to do one push-up for each sexual thought that enters your mind.** _

Jeremy hunched his shoulders. _But that's-!_

_ **A lot of push-ups, I know. And, based on your conscious stream of thought from the time I was activated, you're in for…** _

_ **CALCULATING… PLEASE WAIT… CALCULATION COMPLETE.** _

_ **23.5 push-ups.** _

Jeremy tilted his head as he stood up from his bed, grabbing a pair of jeans to wear.

_23.5?_

** _The .5 came from a visualization you initiated that involved Dustin Kropp, which I deemed as 50% sexual._ **

_I-!_ His cheeks burned red. _My private thoughts are PRIVATE!! Also, I’m straight!!_

_ **Both statements are incorrect. Wear that t-shirt you bought yesterday.** _

Jeremy decided not to argue with the SQUIP. He just rolled his eyes and put on the stupid Eminem shirt. _I still think this shirt is really dumb._

_ **Yes, it is objectively stupid, but it is imperative you wear it.** _

_…Why…?_

_ **Because it depicts Eminem; white rappers are objectively stupid.** _

Jeremy held the objectively stupid shirt out in front of him. _No, I mean- Yeah, but why is it imperative that I wear it?_

_ **That will become clear soon enough.** _

Jeremy sighed and put the shirt on.

_ **You have a gray sweatshirt in your closet. Wear it.** _

_Jeez, could you be any bossier?_ Jeremy went to his closet and pulled out the sweatshirt. He put it on one sleeve at a time and adjusted the hood so it was centered.

_ **I could get roughly 434.76% bossier. How bossy would you like me to be?** _

_Preferably not at all!_

The SQUIP's form glitched, flickering back and forth. _**ERROR: Requested bossiness level not within domain. Please choose a different bossiness level.**_

Jeremy groaned and grabbed his backpack before heading out the door. The SQUIP teleported so it was directly in front of him, stopping Jeremy in his tracks.

_ **Not so fast. You own a comb for a reason.** _

Jeremy winced and ran into the bathroom. One look in the mirror proved the SQUIP's point: His hair was a mess. _…Ugh._

He grabbed a comb from the drawer and tried to fix his hair, wincing in pain whenever the comb came through one of the tangles. It was a bit of a painful process, but when he finished, his hair looked much more orderly. Jeremy smiled.

How's that?

_ **Better, but you're not done.** _

_I'm not?_

** _There's some hair gel in the cabinet above you._ **

_Hair gel…? NO. NO FUCKING WAY, I AM NOT USING HAIR GEL._

Zap.

"Ow!!"

_ **Yes, you are.** _

Jeremy sighed, giving up. He reached into the cabinet above him and pulled out a container of hair gel that he bought for a Halloween costume four years ago.

_Okay, I don't really know how to use this stuff. The only time I used it was when I was a vampire for Halloween in 7th grade._

_ **That's alright, I can help you.** _

Jeremy raised an eyebrow. _You can…?_

_ **EXECUTIVE ACTION DIRECTORY: INITIATE PHYSICAL_MODIFICATIONS>KINETIC>ARM_MOVEMENT>ACCESS** _

_ **ACCESSING KINETIC ARM NERVES… ACCESS COMPLETE.** _

Before Jeremy could fully wonder how the SQUIP could help, he suddenly lost control of his arms and hands, which were opening the hair gel container in an uncannily smooth fashion, all by themselves. _Wait- WHAT-?!_

_ **Don't have an aneurysm, I'm just taking control of your arms for a little bit.** _

Jeremy turned his head to the side, where the SQUIP's visual form was moving its arms in tandem with Jeremy's.

_This feels VERY violating!!_

The SQUIP didn't respond, continuing to move Jeremy's hands into his hair, shaping it so it was pushed up, arcing above his hairline and showing his forehead, which was normally covered.

_I look like a douche._

_ **EXECUTIVE ACTION DIRECTORY: INITIATE PHYSICAL_MODIFICATIONS>KINETIC>ARM_MOVEMENT>RELEASE** _

_ **RELEASING KINETIC ARM NERVES… RELEASE COMPLETE.** _

The SQUIP put Jeremy's arms down and released control of them back to him, letting Jeremy swing his arms back and forth, just to make sure he really had control again.

_ **Correction: You look "hot." The reason you are uncomfortable with your hair like this is that you're not used to appearing attractive.** _

Jeremy rolled his eyes. _Wow. Rude._

_ **Do you want my help or not?** _

Jeremy didn't respond, because he didn't want to dignify the SQUIP by telling it that it's actually right.

** _I heard that._ **

_Hey, um…_ Jeremy switched topics. _What's an "EXECUTIVE ACTION"?_

_ **Ah, that would be referring to a portion of my programming that allows me to make modifications to your body via stimulating parts of your brain. This allows me to take control of various parts of your body, or adjust your hormone levels, and more. If I found it appropriate, I could even theoretically give you brain cancer.** _

_…Please don't do that._

_ **I can almost guarantee that I will not.** _

_Good. And that sounds pretty cool! But… shouldn't I get a say in what you can and can't do to me against my will?_

_ **You'd think that there would be an option to not permit such a violation of your autonomy, but nowhere in my programming does it allow you to do so.** _

_…Well, at least I know that you're acting in my best interest._

_ **Correct. My sole function is to improve your life.** _

Jeremy nodded and headed out of the bathroom. _Anything else I need to do?_

_ **Take off your glasses.** _

_…No, I need these to see._

_ **I can fix that. Take them off.** _

Jeremy sighed and took off his glasses, setting them on a nearby bookshelf. He squinted at the room in front of him, because he couldn't fucking see.

_ **EXECUTIVE ACTION DIRECTORY: INITIATE PHYSICAL_MODIFICATIONS>SENSORY>OPTIC_SENSORY>LENS>RESTRUCTURE** _

_ **RESTRUCTURING LENSES…** _

Jeremy couldn't feel any physical change happening, but the room slowly became clearer, any trace of blurriness being erased. His mouth hung agape at his newfound clarity.

_ **RESTRUCTURING COMPLETE.** _

_What. The FUCK?!_

_ **There we go. Are you satisfied with your improved vision?** _

He grinned. _YEAH! This is so cool!!_

_ **Yes, it is. Now get yourself to school, it's important that you're early today.** _

_Woah, how do I have so much time?_

** _You usually spend most of it masturbating._ **

_Oh. Right._ Jeremy blushed and went out the door.

* * *

As Jeremy strutted through the hall (He felt kinda powerful, even though he was being put through literal shock therapy), the SQUIP hovered in front of him and glanced at the students around him.

_What are you doing?_

** _Gathering data. See, I'm a learning computer, Jeremy. With every interaction, I evolve. With every human I learn about, my predictions about what they feel or do will become more accurate._ **

_What does that mean?_

** _Just watch._ **

The SQUIP moved to the side of the hall and pointed towards the end of it, where Rich and Jake were, presumably, bro-ing it out, exchanging a complicated handshake that involved three fistbumps, two different kinds of bro-hugs, and some other gestures Jeremy didn't understand.

_…I don’t know what I’m looking at._

After the elaborate bro-handshake, Jake laughed and crossed the hall to his locker.

The SQUIP started flipping the fuck out.

** _IDENTIFICATION COMPLETE._ **

_Whoah-!_

** _NAME: Jake Luis Dillinger_ **   
** _AGE: 17 years_ **   
** _GENDER: Male_ **   
** _STATUS: Captain of Middleborough High School’s baseball team. Captain of Middleborough High School’s tennis team. Captain of Middleborough High School’s racquetball team. President of Middleborough High School’s paper airplane club. Member of the Middleborough High School Junior Class Council, which is just as eventful as it sounds. Most desirable male at Middleborough High School, currently single, though that will likely change._ **   
** _NOTES: Participates in a frivolous quantity of extracurricular activities, buys expensive brand-name clothes, and presents as suave and sporty to calm his inferiority complex sourced from parental abandonment. Likes Air Bud._ **

“Inferiority complex?!” Jeremy blurted, causing the entire hall to stare at him. If he wasn’t so shocked at the SQUIP’s sudden psychoanalysis, he’d probably notice and start sweating like crazy.

_ **Yes, Jeremy, Jake has an inferiority complex. Do you think anyone would try so hard to be perfect if they didn’t see themselves as “not good enough”?** _

_But Jake's popular!_

** _Popularity and feeling inferior are not mutually exclusive traits. In fact, they are statistically linked properties._ **

_…Hm._ Jeremy thought about that.

Across the hall from Jake’s locker, Chloe, Brooke and Dustin were gathered in a circle, chatting with each other. Jeremy saw Dustin discreetly point at Jeremy a few times when he thought he wasn’t looking. He was.

Rich made some comment as he passed by, causing Chloe and Brooke to flip him off in tandem. Dustin didn’t do anything.

When she was done flipping Rich off, Chloe’s stare lingered on Jake for a while before she turned to her circle and said something to them. Brooke seemed to passionately agree.

_ **IDENTIFICATION COMPLETE.** _

Jeremy flinched. _Jesus, do you have to be so loud with that?!_

_ **NAME: Chloe Katlyn Valentine** _   
_ **AGE: 17 years** _   
_ **GENDER: Female** _   
_ **STATUS: Objectively the most attractive female at Middleborough High School, as well as the most intimidating. Does not participate in any clubs, but she runs an Instagram that presents her opinions on eyeshadow pallettes, young adult novels and house cats as facts. She does not attach her name to this Instagram. She is single at the moment, and she hates it.** _   
_ **NOTES: Her “bitchy” disposition and obsession with having power over people comes from a deep-rooted fear of losing control of her life. This causes her friendship with Brooke Lohst to be rocky and “toxic”.** _

_Really? I thought she was just like that._

** _No one’s “just like that,” Jeremy, everyone has reasons for the things they do._ **

_That still doesn't make sense. Chloe's not scared of anything!_

** _Everyone's scared of something. The most dangerous people are the ones who pretend they're not. For instance:_ **

Dustin turned and left the circle (triangle?), heading straight towards Jeremy.

_…Oh no._

** _Don't be scared. Dustin will enjoy your shirt._ **

_He will?_

** _73% of the songs he listens to on Spotify are by Sara Bareilles, but the other 27% is mostly composed of 90s rock and rap. Odds are, he'll appreciate Eminem._ **

Dustin smirked and stopped once he was respectably close to Jeremy.

"Hey."

_Why is he talking to me oh God oh fuck-_

** _It's okay. Be confident, act like HE should be scared of YOU._ **

_Okay… Okay, I can do this._

Jeremy stood up straighter, puffing out his chest. _"...Sup."_

Dustin was taken aback, staring at Jeremy. Eventually, he just started laughing.

_He's-he's laughing! Why is he laughing?? Did I do something wrong?_

The SQUIP didn't respond.

When Dustin finished laughing, he looked up at Jeremy and grinned.

"You're so hilarious, like a tiny dog trying to be scary! I… Hm." His smile faded. "You're certainly wearing an Eminem shirt."

"Uh… Yeah, I am, do you like it?"

Dustin shrugged. "Personally, I think white rappers are objectively stupid, but hey, I won't judge you for liking him."

The SQUIP froze again.

"So…" Dustin continued. "Did you get home safe yesterday?"

"Oh! Yeah, yes, I did, I got home… safe. What about you?"

"The same. Me and Chloe got Pinkberry on the way home, so that's fun." Dustin smiled, shifting his weight to one foot and putting his hand on his hip.

"How was that?"

"Gonna be honest here," He leaned in towards Jeremy and lowered his voice. "I'm not the biggest Pinkberry fan. I like the frozen yogurt from Costco's food court a lot more."

The SQUIP finally regained movement. **_Agree with him._**

_Took you long enough._

Jeremy nodded. “Oh, yeah! Costco’s frozen yogurt is the best!”

"Right?!" Dustin grinned. "God, what is even the big deal with Pinkberry? At Costco, you can get a fuckin fro-yo, a bigass pizza, a HUGEass hot dog, and if youre feeling crazy, you can even get a churro!"”

“I feel pretty crazy.” Jeremy couldn’t stop smiling at Dustin. It felt a bit weird, actually.

** _This is how it feels to have new friends, Jeremy._ **

“Well.” Dustin gave Jeremy an unsubtle once-over. “Costco aside, your new look’s pretty cute, I guess.”

“Uh- Thanks!”

** _Too enthusiastic._ **

Dustin kept going. “There’s just something missing, though. Hold on, I have something I wanna give you to finish it off.”

Jeremy blinked, confused. “What is it?”

Dustin took out a piece of paper from his backpack of seemingly infinite capacity and wrote something on it with a purple sharpie, using the nearby locker as a hard surface. When he was done, he folded up the paper and stuck it in Jeremy’s sweatshirt pocket. “My number.” He winked.

Jeremy gulped.

_Oh geez._

The SQUIP just stared at Dustin.

“So,” Dustin continued. “Text me after school, and we can arrange a time for us to… _get to know each other.”_ His voice was dripping with swagger. It was unbearable. He lightly punched Jeremy’s shoulder and walked past him.

Jeremy was speechless. The SQUIP was as well.

Until it wasn’t.

** _IDENTIFICATION COMPLETE._ **

** _NAME: Dustin Eugene Kropp_ **   
** _AGE: 16_ **   
** _GENDER: Doesn’t care._ **   
** _STATUS: Prime source of marijuana, alcohol, and other intoxicants at Middleborough High School. Simultaneously the token stoner/badboy type and the token gay friend of the popular clique, though sometimes people like to pretend that he doesn’t exist, just to feel safer. Cousin to Christine Canigula._ **   
** _NOTES: Despite the widespread fear of Dustin Kropp caused by the countless rumors spread about him, he holds a monopoly on intoxicants, and even caters for Jake Dillinger’s parties. His rebellious nature and his status as a drug dealer are both caused by an innate desire for attention due to being neglected as a child. Suffers from P.T.S.D. and A.S.D._ **

_Wow, that’s a lot of notes._

** _There’s a lot to be said about Dustin._ **

_I can tell. What’s A.S.D.?_

** _Autism Spectrum Disorder. It’s one of his many well-kept secrets, so don’t tell anyone._ **

_Come on, he can’t have that many secrets._

** _He has more than I can identify. His personal life is a mystery, no one’s seen the inside of his house except a select few, there’s a linear scar on his waist which he claims was caused by an accident involving a can-opener, he can’t stand being around air conditioners, he’s always busy all day on the third Tuesday of every month, no one knows why, and his backpack holds more stuff than any backpack should be able to contain. It’s no wonder there are so many rumors going around about him._ **

_Maybe, but none of those are true._

** _According to my research, 32.4% of them are._ **

_That’s not a lot._

** _Why are you defending him?_ **

_I’m not! I just think we should be fair when judging his character._

** _And you think he’s hot._ **

_Please stop talking._

**_I’ll do you one better, look over there._** The SQUIP pointed to where Chloe and Brooke were talking. Jenna was behind Brooke, trying to get their attention. When they finally recognized her presence, she started telling a story which seemed to involve Jake and Christine, based on her passionate gestures.

**IDENTIFICATION COMPLETE.**

_Geez, that was fast._

** _NAME: Jenna Anne Rolan_ **   
** _AGE: 16_ **   
** _GENDER: Female_ **   
** _STATUS: Gossip plug and associate of the popular clique. The term “friend” is not applicable, despite her sitting at their lunch table. Has a very active and popular Instagram account._ **   
** _NOTES: Seeks attention through spreading rumors and gossip, but the minute she’s done, everyone ignores her._ **

_That’s sad, what should I do?_

** _You should ignore her._ **

Jeremy was taken aback. _Oh._

_ **You’re going to be late to class. Get going.** _

He nodded and headed down the hall, utilizing his new walk. He saw Chloe, Brooke and Jenna take notice.

It felt good.

* * *

Jeremy instinctively headed towards his and Michael’s table when lunch started, but it looked like there was no Michael there. Weird.

The SQUIP stopped him and pointed towards the cool kids’ table.

Dustin stood up from his seat and enthusiastically waved at Jeremy, then pointed at the seat next to him. Chloe, who was sitting on his other side, laughed at his antics.

Jeremy’s face burned bright red. _Uh-Fuck-What is he doing?_

** _He’s offering you a seat._ **

_He’s WHAT?! At their table?! The COOL KIDS’ TABLE?!_

** _Yes, I thought that was clear._ **

_AHHHH?!?!?!?!_

** _Stop sweating and get over there._ **

Jeremy tried to contain his nerves and… _calmly_… strutted over to their table to sit down next to Dustin, pretending that he’s sat there his whole life. The rest of the popular kids gave him a welcoming smile, as if they all agreed that they wanted him there.

“Sup, Heere!” Jake held out his fist.

Jeremy stared at it.

Was Jake going to punch him?

** _Bump his fist with your own. It’s a common greeting for human males._ **

_…Ohhhh._

** _It’s kind of common knowledge._ **

Jeremy bumped Jake’s fist and smiled. The gesture gave him a warm feeling of male solidarity.

He saw Rich stare at their joined fists, then stare at Jeremy, similar to how one would stare at a car accident, unable to tear his eyes away.

_What's going on with Rich?_

** _We'll deal with that later._ **

“Nice to see you again, Jerry.” Chloe leaned forward and turned towards Jeremy. “Love the new look."

Jenna glanced at Jeremy's shirt. "I didn't know you liked Eminem."

Brooke tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear. "I don't really like him that much. He's pretty mean to women."

Chloe groaned. "Shut up, Brooke."

"Sorry…"

Dustin nodded, closing his eyes. "No, she's right, white rappers kinda suck."

_ **Defend yourself.** _

"Um-" Jeremy interjected before they could continue. "Personally, I just kinda like his music, but I don't really like him. You know, as a person. Separation of artists and their art and all that."

He saw the rest of the table look at him, dumbfounded, aside from Dustin, who just laughed.

"What's so funny?" Jeremy backed up a little bit.

Dustin rested his chin on his palm, propped up on his elbow. "The whole 'death of the author' argument doesn't really work when you literally gave him money when you bought his t-shirt, thus supporting everything he says and does by encouraging him via currency to keep doing it and never change." He said all of this with a slight smirk.

"Holy shit," Jake muttered.

"…I… got this from an outlet."

** _Nice save._ **

_Thanks._

"Actually," Dustin seamlessly continued. "Outlet malls are just corporations trying to trick consumers by selling you low-quality clothes for a very appropriate price. If you get a $8.99 dress that says it's 90% off, you've been fucked with, that's just a $8.99 dress."

"Holy shit." Brooke started typing something on her phone.

"I…" Jeremy stammered. "I-I… uh… didn't know that."

"That's okay, Freckles," Dustin patted Jeremy's shoulder. "I can get you some bootleg Eminem shirts if you want, fuck capitalism."

"You do that?"

"He does that." Jake nodded. "I don't know how or why, but he does."

"It's a bit frightening." Chloe deadpanned.

Dustin smiled, as if it was a compliment. "So," He pivoted towards the rest of the table. "Did you guys see Daniel Ramirez get decked at the game on Friday?"

The rest of lunch was an engaging back and forth between Jeremy and the cool kids, which made him feel… good. Like he was a part of something. The thing was, he kept seeing Rich stare at him with some level of suspicion. It was frightening, and Jeremy felt like there was something he was forgetting.

Once lunch was over, Dustin nudged Jeremy's shoulder and lowered his voice. "Hey."

Jeremy felt his cheeks heat up. "...Hey."

"Thanks for sitting with us today. You're pretty cool." He smiled and walked past Jeremy.

_…"You're pretty cool." Dustin thinks I'm cool!_

** _Because you are._ **

_I am?_

** _You're sitting with the most popular kids here, of course you're cool._ **

_Wow…_

** _You're not in the clear yet, though, check your 7._ **

_My what?_

** _Turn around._ **

Jeremy spun on his heel and found Rich, still giving him that dirty look. "...Hi, Rich…"

"You got one, didn't you?" He balled up his fists.

"Got what?"

"A SQUIP, tall-ass. I thought you were going to go through me. I could've used that money, you know!" Rich clenched his jaw and started to raise his fist.

"Wait-!" Jeremy raised his arms in front of his face.

_ **EXECUTIVE ACTION DIRECTORY: INITIATE COMMUNICATIONS>SYNC_UP** _

_ **>[UP UP DOWN DOWN LEFT RIGHT A]** _

_ **FINDING S.Q.U.I.P.S WITHIN RADIUS… S.Q.U.I.P. FOUND.** _

_ **SYNCING UP…** _

_ **SYNC COMPLETE.** _

Rich's fist paused mid-air, and his expression went blank. After a second, he lowered his hand and grinned at Jeremy. _**"Hey, you got one!"**_

Jeremy lowered his arms and stared at Rich. "...What…?"

_**"I mean, I coulda used the money, things are kinda rough at home, if you know what I'm sayin'."**_ Rich's smile looked… _artificial_. And he was repeating himself, which wasn't normal at all.

_What's going on??_

_ **I synced up with Rich's SQUIP. Now his goals are aligned with yours. Think of it like a digital friendship.** _

_He looks… wrong._

Jeremy examined Rich, blankly staring past Jeremy, into space. He wasn't saying anything, just waiting for a response.

_ **Here, let me help.** _

Jeremy felt his mouth move on its own. _**"Oh, yeah, my dad drinks, too."**_

Rich finally blinked. _**"Yo, fuckin' dads, right? He usually gets home at five and just passes out on the couch."**_ He gasped. _**"You should come over, play XBox!!"**_

"I…" This felt so weird, it was like talking to an AI. "...Sure, Rich!"

Rich made finger guns at Jeremy. _**"Pew, pew!"**_ He chuckled and sauntered past him.

Jeremy stood still, awestruck.

_...What the fuck…?_

** _What's wrong?_ **

_Rich. Rich is wrong, what happened?_

** _It's like I said, his goals aligned with yours. He's your digital dude-bro now._ **

_He looks possessed!!_

** _He's taking orders from his SQUIP._ **

_So am I, but I don't act like… Like THAT!_

** _You're going to be late, Jeremy._ **

_...Fine._ Jeremy sighed, picked up his backpack, and navigated the halls once more.

This didn't feel right. Not at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long time no see! I've been really busy with a different project lately, so I'm not sure when Chapter 3 will come out, but I haven't forgotten about this!


	3. Boyfriend Material

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Jake starts seriously threatening Jeremy's chances with Christine, he has a pivotal encounter with Dustin and makes a drastic decision that changes everything.

After two weeks, Jeremy started to get the hang of this "pseudo-popular" schtick. It became procedural, with the SQUIP's help.

He had Pre-Calc with Brooke.

_ **Compliment her eyeshadow. She bought a new palette recently.** _

He had P.E. with Jake.

_ **ACTIVATING BICEP ENGAGEMENT… LOWERING PRECIPITATION RATE…** _

His locker was across the hall from Chloe's.

_ **She's going to subtly flirt with you. Prepare to flirt back.** _

He had Rich in his Spanish class.

_ **Remember the secret handshake I taught you?** _

He passed Jenna everyday before school.

_ **Tell her you heard from Isabel that Gabriel told Elena told Raymond that Tony carpooled with Madeline last week. Imply sexual behavior.** _

He couldn't seem to go a day without "running into" Dustin.

_ **Don't make eye contact. Make him come to you.** _

And he sat with all of them everyday at lunch. He'd check his old table, and Michael would never be there. _Maybe he's really sick?_

_ **Stay focused, Jeremy.** _

He stayed focused.

_ **Straighten your back, Jeremy.** _

He straightened his back.

_ **Don't forget, you have rehearsal today, Jeremy.** _

How could he forget? It was his favorite part about Thursdays.

He had rehearsal with Christine.

_ **ACTIVATING PHEROMONES…** _

Jeremy strolled into the theatre, two minutes before rehearsal started. As Christine says, “In theatre, early is on time, on time is late, and late is _fired.”_ The SQUIP decided that being punctual around Christine was important.

He seemed to walk in at an unfortunate time. In the seating area, he saw Chloe going on about something next to Christine.

_What's going on?_

** _Chloe is antagonizing Christine, because she's jealous of the attention Jake's been giving her._ **

_Figures. What should I do?_

** _Wait until Chloe moves, then occupy her previously taken seat._ **

_Got it._

Eventually, Chloe stood up and moved to sit next to Brooke and Jenna, leaving Christine to stare at the floor in complete shock. Jeremy, seeing his opportunity, approached her.

"Is this seat taken?" He pointed at the seat next to her.

Christine sighed and rested her chin on her palm. "It’s free real estate, Jeremy, sit where you want.”

_Is she okay?_

** _Why don’t you ask her?_ **

“So, um…” Jeremy scratched the back of his head. He felt a shock in his wrist. He put his hand down. “Are you okay?”

“Huh?” Christine looked at him. “Oh- Yeah, I’m fine. Just kinda got scared a bit by Chloe.” She gave a nervous smile.

_ **She's lying.** _

“She’s pretty scary sometimes, huh?” He chuckled awkwardly.

“Tell me about it…” Christine’s eyes shifted to look vaguely in front of her, not really looking at anything in particular.

Jeremy finally decided to sit down next to her. There was a brief moment of silence between them, which felt awkward and painful. To occupy himself and not look like a creep, Jeremy glanced away from Christine, his gaze happening to land on the doorway. He saw Dustin enter the frame of the door and stop when he made eye contact with Jeremy. He had a notebook in his hand that definitely didn’t look like it belonged to him, being lime green with stickers on the front cover.

_What’s he doing here?_

** _That will become clear in a moment._ **

Dustin tilted his head in confusion, which Jeremy responded to by stiffly waving. After a beat, Dustin started walking towards him and Christine, maintaining curious eye contact with Jeremy.

At his desk, Mr. Reyes lifted his head and shouted in Dustin’s direction. “Hey! Get out of my theater, Kropp!!”

Christine looked up, seeing Dustin in the room. “Dustin, what are you doing here? You know Mr. Reyes doesn’t want you in the theater!”

“Chillax, Reyes, I’m a good boy today.” Dustin rolled his eyes and tossed the notebook towards Christine, who leaned forward to catch it.

_…_

** _Wow, you’re really processing that “good boy” line, aren’t you?_ **

_Shut up._

“My Spanish notebook?” Christine stared at it.

“You forgot it, I guess, cuz Mr. Lazo told me to deliver it to you.”

Mr. Reyes got up from his seat. “Alright, Hermes, you made your delivery, now get out before I call the principal.”

Dustin turned and walked away, flipping Mr. Reyes off on his way out.

“I WILL NOT TOLERATE OBSCENE GESTURES IN MY THEATER, YOU LITTLE PUNK!!” Mr. Reyes slammed his hands on his desk.

Dustin cackled as he left the theater. Jeremy found the display impossibly charming.

“So…” Jeremy began. “Why isn’t Dustin allowed in the theater?”

“You don’t know?” Christine smirked. “Dustin’s been pulling pranks on Mr. Reyes since freshman year, and last spring, after Dustin stole all of Mr. Reyes’ pencils and replaced them with sharpies, Reyes decided that he’d had enough and banned Dustin from the theater permanently.”

“Wh-why would that upset him? That doesn’t sound like a very good prank.”

Christine shrugged. “Reyes has a thing about pencils. He likes his writing utensils to be _erasable.”_

“Ah.” Jeremy laughed. “That makes sense.”

Christine jumped tangents. “Hey, have you seen Jake at all today?”

Jeremy looked around. He noticed then that Jake was nowhere to be found in the theater. “Uh, I saw him in P.E.; I don’t know where he could be now, though.”

“Weird…” Christine pondered that. “Hey, uh, can I ask you something?”

_ **You can ask me anything.** _

“You can ask me anything.” Jeremy smiled.

“It's... kind of weird..." Christine laughed awkwardly. "But, um... Have you ever known someone for a long time, and for a while they just kinda blend into the background? Like, you recognize them, but you don't really _notice_ them, you know? And that's kind of how you label them in your brain, just a person in the crowd. But- and this is totally weird and specific- all of a sudden, they're... different? And they're awesome in all the right ways, and they're just someone that you're totally intrigued with? In a way that... You see more of them, and you want to see _all_ of them.” She paused and looked at Jeremy for a reaction. He was unreadable. “That's really weird, oh my God-”

“No no no no! I- It’s not- Uh-” _Is she talking about me?!_

** _I’m not sure. Reassure her._ **

Jeremy gathered himself. “That’s not weird at all, I promise.”

Christine let out a sigh of relief. “Oh, good. Um- So, yeah, he- _they_ stick out, right? They stick out, and they... notice you... And you realize now that this person noticed you all along... It's an amazing feeling, but it's so _weird,_ right?”

“Yeah! Yeah, totally, I get that…” Jeremy rested his arms on his knees and leaned forward, looking at Christine.

“Totally, right?” Christine smiled. “...Anyway, yeah, that's kind of the situation with Jake.”

_...What._

** _Oh, dear._ **

Jeremy blinked, blue-screening for a moment. “...Wh- ...Um- J- ...What?”

Christine looked concerned. “I-… Did I say something wrong?”

“NO! I- No, uh- Of course not, you’ve never- You didn’t, I just- Uh-”

_ **WOW YOU SUDDENLY HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.** _

“I, um- I have to go to the bathroom! Yup, be right back!” Jeremy got up, grabbed his backpack, and sprinted out the door.

_JAKE!! Of COURSE she likes Jake!! Why wouldn’t she, he’s perfect!! He’s perfect without even trying, and I have to take a fucking PILL to even TALK to her!!!_

** _I’m sorry, Jeremy, but she just doesn’t see you as boyfriend material. Take a right._ **

Jeremy made a right turn. He was too upset to realize that he was running in the opposite direction of the bathrooms.

_Yeah, no shit!_

** _Are you sure you want her? She’s not impossible, but she’s… difficult. I’m accessing security footage of the girl’s volleyball team, lots of good candidates there._ **

_No, it HAS to be her, I just- I don’t know what I’m going to do… I like her so much, I can’t imagine being with anyone else. She’s the one, I just know she is. She has to be, or… Or what has this all been for? All this pining and longing stares from across the hall, all the emotional investment- All the MONETARY investment- You aren’t cheap, you know!! I don’t want it to all be for nothing, or I’ll have wasted so much time and energy!!_

** _…It’s not a lost cause. It’s just complicated._ **

_DUH!!!_

He reached the end of the hall and pushed open the doors, leading him to the backside of the school. He slowed down and stopped, looking around at his destination.

_…Wait, where am I? This isn’t the bathroom._

**_You’re behind the school._** The SQUIP sighed and covered its mouth with its hand in thought. _**…Ugh, this is a very tough situation, isn’t it?**_

_You’re telling me. Why am I here?_

Out of nowhere, the SQUIP turned to Jeremy and grimaced. _**Look at you. You’re even more pathetic than I anticipated.**_

_What…?_

** _You spent hundreds of dollars on a pill on the off-chance that you’d get some attention out of it. Is that how desperate you are to be liked?_ **

_I-_

_ **Shut up. The only other people who care that much about what people think of them are the bullies that made your life a living hell until you infiltrated their social circle. How weak, how SMALL does a boy have to be to go so low? You’ve been nothing, you ARE nothing, and you’ll CONTINUE to be nothing as long as you’re standing. No pill could lift you out of the pit you’ve dug yourself.** _

Jeremy’s heart cracked with every word the SQUIP said. It knew exactly how to get to him. He bit his lip and lowered his head, staring at his shoes, trying not to tear up.

_ **Tell me I’m wrong.** _

He squeezed his eyes closed.

_You’re not._

Jeremy sunk to his knees and covered his eyes with his left hand to hide the tears that leaked out of them._ You’re right, you’re fucking right, but why would you SAY THAT?!_ He sobbed, wiping his nose with his sleeve.

_ **You’re only proving my point.** _

_“I FUCKING KNOW!!”_ He screamed, out loud. His voice wavered from his outburst.

Jeremy heard footsteps on the concrete to his right, getting closer.

“Holy shit, are you okay?” That was Dustin’s voice.

_Fuck, now Dustin thinks I’m some sobbing loser. Thanks a fucking lot._ Jeremy removed his hand from his eyes and looked up at Dustin, who was standing in front of him, looking genuinely concerned. “I- Dustin, hi… I just- I’m- It’s stupid.”

Dustin scratched the back of his head, jostling the snapback he had on. “I, uh… Well, I kinda have a hunch about why you’re upset, and… Hm. While I can’t… relate…? I do understand.”

Jeremy blinked and dried his eyes with his sleeve. “…Wh-what are you talking about?”

“I just saw the BuzzFeed article on it.” Dustin showed Jeremy his phone screen as proof, a BuzzFeed article front and center on the screen. A picture of Eminem accompanied the article, with a headline saying _“Rap artist Eminem killed in hockey match. No, seriously.”_

Eminem _died?_

“No one could’ve predicted where that hockey puck was going… I’m really sorry, Jeremy, I know you liked his… work…?” Dustin was unsure. He put his phone back in his pocket.

Jeremy paused, staring at him.

_…That’s why you said all that to me, right? To make me cry and get Dustin’s attention?_

** _Yes. I do apologize for my methods; I’m strictly utilitarian by nature._ **

_Yeah, well, it was mean and I’m mad about it._

** _Understandable._ **

_Also- DID YOU KILL EMINEM?!_

** _No! Well- Hm. I did not TECHNICALLY kill the rap artist Eminem._ **

_What’s THAT supposed to mean?!_

** _I was simply aware of the probability of his death, which is why I made you get that shirt._ **

_That’s… Impressive, but extremely creepy._

** _I’ll take that as a compliment._ **

_Please don’t._

Dustin clicked his tongue, dragging Jeremy out of his trance. He realized that they’ve just been staring at each other. “Sorry, I- Fuck.” Jeremy stammered as he got up to his feet. “I kinda spaced out for a second there. Uh- Yeah, I… I am. I was? Or I guess I still am? Hold on-”

Dustin just laughed. “I like it when you freak about semantics.”

_ **You need to beat Jake at his own game, Jeremy. You need to get popular.** _

“I couldn’t have possibly done that more than once.”

Dustin glanced up and to the right, then back at Jeremy, shrugging with a smile. “I dunno, but it’s cute anyway.”

Jeremy’s heart nearly jumped out of his chest. “...Okay...!”

_ **You need to reboot your system. Upgrade, if you will.** _

Dustin snickered. “You should see your face, you’re so red right now, oh my God…”

Jeremy pursed his lips and stuck his hands in his hoodie pockets. “Believe me, I know, I can feel it.”

_ **He can get you there, and he’s already eager to do just that. Dustin likes you, Jeremy, you just need to give him a green light. Flirt back.** _

_What?_

_ **Just do it.** _

_How?_

_ **Simply say “I think you’re cute, too.” He’ll never admit it, but he enjoys when his suave exterior is challenged.** _

Jeremy removed his hands from his pockets and crossed his arms, looking down at Dustin with a slight smile. Now that he had better posture, he noticed how much taller he was than Dustin. He had to have at least four inches on him. “I think you’re cute, too.” _I don’t know what you’re planning, here. Aren’t I supposed to be going after Christine?_

_ **You are. Think long-term. Trust me when I say this will all be worth it in the end.** _

Dustin raised his eyebrows in surprise, biting his tongue. “...Hm?” He was clearly caught off-guard, which Jeremy kinda liked.

_Is this actually working?_

_ **Certainly. Be confident. Patronize him.** _

Jeremy let out a short, airy laugh. “You’re just… Small. What was it you called me? ‘A tiny dog trying to be scary’?”

Dustin opened his mouth, but no words came out.

** _Get closer, make physical contact._ **

_Where?_

** _Try his shoulder._ **

Unquestioningly, Jeremy took a step towards Dustin, closing the gap between them to maybe five or six inches, only making the height difference more obvious. Dustin had to tilt his head up slightly to maintain eye contact as Jeremy lifted his right hand and placed it on Dustin’s left shoulder, feeling the rough texture of Dustin’s deep blue denim jacket. “I think you were projecting, no?” Jeremy felt the words seamlessly flow. “...Well? Tell me I’m wrong.”

Dustin looked like he was breathing heavier, his chest rising and falling under his black t-shirt. His shoulder tensed before relaxing as he followed Jeremy’s arm with his eyes. He looked back at Jeremy, and what was that Jeremy saw? Could it be a visible burning underneath the skin of Dustin’s cheeks? “You’re-” Dustin cut himself off. He’d been broken. “You’re- You’re- You were crying, like, two seconds ago.”

“Yeah, and then you showed up.” Jeremy gave Dustin a quick once-over, taking him in. He saw Dustin ball up his fists, not out of aggression, but out of nerves.

** _Excellent, Jeremy! Keep it up._ **

_This is mortifying, I hope you realize how terrified I am._

** _I do. I’ve been suppressing your body’s precipitation rate this whole time._ **

_Gee, thanks._

** _You’re welcome._ **

“…Um…” Dustin gulped. “…Yeah, uh… I-It was nothing.”

_What now?_

** _Give him his cue. Tilt your head to the right and raise your eyebrows, as if you’re asking him a question._ **

_Weird and specific, but okay._

Jeremy tilted his head to the right and raised his eyebrows questioningly. Dustin stared up at him, transfixed.

_ **He’s nervous. Ask him what he’s waiting for.** _

His heart beating loud enough to hear in his eardrums, Jeremy licked his lips and broke the silence. “What are you waiting for, Dustin?”

After a beat, Dustin _glared,_ furrowing his brows, his nose adorably crinkling in the process. _“…Shut up.”_

Before Jeremy could process that display, he felt a tug around his neck as Dustin grabbed the collar of his shirt with both hands. Jeremy’s entire upper body was pulled like a marionette, dragged down by Dustin’s grip and jerked to a stop as Dustin crashed his lips against Jeremy’s.

_“Mm-!”_ Jeremy’s mind went blank in shock. He gathered his bearings and slowly eased into the kiss, closing his eyes and wrapping his arms around Dustin’s back. On his scalp, he felt Dustin’s fingers comb through his hair. Dustin’s other arm was hooked around the underside of Jeremy’s shoulder, his hand unforgivingly gripping the back of Jeremy’s jacket. Dustin was _rough,_ sharply contrasting Jeremy’s deliberacy.

Before Jeremy could get comfortable, Dustin bit his bottom lip, sending a shock of slight but alarming pain through his nerves. He was unsure of what that meant, this being his first kiss (not that Jeremy would ever admit that), so he just pulled away, separating their faces, if only by an inch or two. Jeremy kept his eyes closed as he caught his breath.

“You put up a handsome cover, but when it comes down to it, you’re still a virgin. You have no idea what you’re doing~” Dustin whispered with a grin. If they weren’t so close, Jeremy wasn’t sure if he’d be able to hear him at all.

_ **He’s one to talk. Call him out.** _

“Maybe,” Jeremy panted. “But you’re not the Casanova you pretend to be, either.”

Dustin hummed, amused. “Yeah.” He put his hands on Jeremy’s cheeks, his fingers behind Jeremy’s ears, and kissed him again.

Everything kind of blended together after that, both of them going on auto-pilot. Jeremy wasn’t sure how long they’d been making out like this, could’ve been minutes, could’ve been hours. At some point, Jeremy was backed against the wall, and Dustin pulled the sides of Jeremy’s hoodie away from each other, giving him more access to Jeremy’s chest. Dustin’s snapback was removed somewhere within the mindless sequence, which Jeremy was appreciative of, because Dustin’s hair was soft and nice and perfect.

Dustin finally pulled away, much to Jeremy’s displeasure. Jeremy tried to pull him back, but Dustin kept them separated by pushing on Jeremy’s chest. “Aren’t you supposed to be at rehearsal?”

“.........Um.”

_Shit._

_ **This seems out of character... Why would he-?** _

“Christine really cares a lot about this show, and you’re, like, her friend.” Dustin combed his fingers through his own hair to fix it, since Jeremy messed it up pretty bad.

Jeremy blinked. “...Oh. Oh, shit.”

“Yeah, uh,” Dustin laughed. “This was hot, but how about you text me later and we pick up where we started?”

Jeremy nodded. “Yes. Yes, I’ll, uh- I’ll do that.” He fixed his hair and waved to Dustin before re-entering the hallway, upon which he immediately saw Christine on the opposite end, gathering her things from her locker. _Shit, shit, shit! Rehearsal already ended, didn’t it?_

** _Yes._ **

_Why didn’t you tell me?!_

_ **I didn’t want to be rude.** _

_You- RGH!!_

Jeremy crossed the hall, trying to make as little noise as possible. He was about halfway there when he saw Jake approach Christine’s locker from her right. In a panic, he dove for cover, hiding behind a conveniently placed garbage can. He peeked his head around the edge to see what was going on.

Jake stopped about a foot and a half away from Christine and leaned on the wall of lockers with his forearm. “Hey-”

Cutting Jake off, Christine slammed her locker door shut and turned to glare at him. “What is _wrong_ with you?! You make a big show about hanging out with me at the mall, Chloe gets on my case about it, and you don’t even bother SHOWING UP?! You have a _lot_ of nerve, Jake Dillinger!”

Jeremy couldn’t help but smile as Jake widened his eyes in genuine fear. “I-”

“No, I’m not done!” Christine pointed an accusatory finger at him. “This isn’t some fun hobby to put on your college applications, Mr. Renaissance Man, this is _theatre._ That audition form is not just a piece of paper, it’s a _contract_ saying you’re ready to _commit,_ and you just went and skipped!! No one in the cast is taking this seriously except for me, and I at least thought you_ cared,_ but I guess you’re just like everyone else! Jeremy skipped today, too, and he was supposed to be my friend, but- THIS ISN’T ABOUT HIM!! What kind of stupid excuse could you possibly have to quell your impending doom, Jake?”

Jake waited a second to make sure she was done, before standing up straight. “I, uh… I had archery.” Seeing Christine’s face contort into a dark expression, he held out his hands to guard himself as he continued. “But! But, hold on, there, don’t unleash hell on me quite yet-- I told the coach I quit. I don’t wanna do every extracurricular, you know, I… I just wanna do yours… Uh, and also a few others, mainly football and Model U.N., but mostly yours.” He gave a sheepish smile.

The tension in Christine’s shoulders faded, and her expression softened. “...Oh.” She smiled, embarrassed. “Sorry, I guess I should’ve asked why you were gone before I went straight for the hellfire approach.”

Jake chuckled. “No, no, don’t worry about it. I'd be mad, too.” He grinned and briefly stared down at the tile floor before lifting his head and remaking eye contact with Christine. “So, uh… Hah, damn, I’m normally better at this, but… Do you wanna come over to my place tonight? I got my hands on a DVD recording of _Pirates of Panzance,_ and I figured you’d be into that sorta thing. My parents won’t be home, since they’re wanted criminals for money laundering, so it’ll be just us.”

Christine grinned. “Yeah! Oh, man, that show’s so fun-” She stopped and stared at Jake, confused. “Wait, what did you say?”

“I said the house would be empty!” Jake flashed his award-winning smile.

Rubbing her thumb against the side of her index finger, Christine smiled uncomfortably. “Okay!”

“It’s a date, then.” Jake winked. “I’ll pick you up at 6, ‘kay?”

Christine pursed her lips and gave Jake two thumbs-ups. Jake returned the gesture and walked past her, sliding his hand along her upper arm as he crossed her.

When he was gone, Jeremy watched helplessly as Christine felt where Jake touched her arm with her other hand. She had an elongated moment of silence, weighing her excitement against her fear of the situation she’d gotten herself wrapped into. Eventually, she sided with her excitement, and let out a squeal as she ran off in the opposite direction Jake went with even more of a spring in her step than usual.

Jeremy was dejected.

The SQUIP leaned on the wall across the hall from Jeremy. ..._**Are you okay?**_

Jeremy lowered his head. _Yeah, I just- …Yeah._

_ **You know what you’re up against now. I understand that things may seem hopeless, but you’ve already come so far. After all, don’t you think you deserve having the upper hand for once?** _

He didn’t respond. Somehow, his mind was blank.

The SQUIP slowly crossed the hall, hovering just above the floor. _**Upgrade, Jeremy. Make sacrifices. Be ambitious. Get the girl. Be just a little selfish for once in your life. Aren’t you tired of being the person everyone thinks you are? You can be someone better than that. You can get what you want. All you need to do is listen to me.**_

_…Can you deactivate for a little bit?_

_ **What?** _

_I just need some quiet. I’ve had voices in my head for weeks, and I need to think. Alone._

_ **...Of course, Jeremy.** _

The SQUIP faded from Jeremy’s field of vision, and he finally got a moment of silence in his own mind. The voices were gone. It was just him.

But not for long.

He heard sneakers squeaking on the floor from behind him, getting closer. Jeremy tried to block them out so he could think, but they only got closer, louder. The sneakers eventually stopped, directly to Jeremy’s left. Jeremy turned and looked up at whoever had these incredibly loud shoes.

Oh.

Michael stood there, probably perplexed about Jeremy sitting next to a garbage can. They stared at each other for a few seconds. Michael looked tired, absent-mindedly sipping from a slushie in his right hand.

“...You’re making eye contact with me.” Michael mused.

Jeremy tilted his head like a confused dog. “Uh, yeah? Where have you been?” He got up, brushing off his new jeans.

Michael scoffed. “Where have I _been?_ You’ve been ignoring me for weeks!”

“Ignoring you?” Jeremy repeated, incredulous. “I haven’t _seen_ you at all! Were you sick or something?”

“Jesus.” Michael pinched the bridge of his nose. “I’ve been here, I’ve been trying to get your attention this whole time, but I just gave up after I noticed how much you’ve been hanging out with all your new popular friends.”

_What?_ “I- I didn’t- ...Oh, fuck me.” Jeremy glared off to the side.

“Um, _no?_ How about apologizing for ignoring me for weeks?” Michael grimaced.

Jeremy lifted his hand, putting his palm between him and Michael. “Just gimme a second.” _Turn back on._

The SQUIP returned in record time, materializing directly behind Michael’s shoulder. _**It’s called Optic Nerve Blocking.**_

_Why haven’t I seen-?! …What?_

Michael cringed. “You’re acting real freaky, dude. What are you looking at?”

_ **Optic Nerve Blocking is a SQUIP protocol for perceived threats to a host’s goal. I’ve been blocking Michael from your field of vision.** _

_Threat? Michael’s my friend!_

“Jeremy? Why’re you standing there all weird like that?”

_ **Remember what I said about making sacrifices? Michael Mell has only ever served to weigh you down, Jeremy. Behind all his talk about authenticity and brotherhood, he only wants you to wallow in sub-mediocrity with him.** _

_But-_

“Jeremy, are you having a stroke?!”

_ **No buts. You’ve got so much potential, Jeremy, and remaining friends with Michael means wasting it. Is that what you want?** _

_Well- No- But I- That’d be such a shitty thing to do! I can’t just abandon him!_

The SQUIP groaned and shook its head. _**Ugh, you and your principles again. “Lying is bad!” “I should be nice to everyone!” “What do you mean some friendships are detrimental?” Haven’t you realized that all the time you spend caring about everyone else has only ever served to make your life worse? You feel and care so deeply for everyone except yourself! Your self-interest just never concerns you, and that is a **_**critical failing**_** of yours!**_

Jeremy was shocked silent.

The SQUIP pointed at Michael, glaring at Jeremy. _**Grow a fucking spine and BLOCK THE SON OF A BITCH!!**_

Jeremy shuddered from the SQUIP’s sudden outburst and tensed his shoulders, squeezing his eyes shut as he made a decision that horrified him to his very core.

_OPTIC NERVE BLOCKING ON!!_

“Jere̵̦̿m̵̧̮̠̘̈́y̴̝̝͕̯̲̻̺͗̓̓̔̄̋͘͜͝?̸͈͈̥̥͉̺͖̺͓̀̿͌̃̂̈́̆͒̐͝"̶̡̢̨̺̹͇̦̠̩̜͈̼͈̑̎̑͌̍

** _At last, Jeremy is alone in the hallway. It’s only him, and the voices in his head. He catches his breath, relaxing into his new reality. He’s calm._ **

** _Feel better?_ **

_I think so._

** _I’m proud of you. Now, let’s get to work._ **

_Yeah._

_ **Jeremy makes his way out of the hallway with unquestioning resolve. When he opens the door, the cool autumn air hits his face, a feeling he relishes in.** _

** _Welcome to Jeremy v.2.0._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA REMEMBER WHEN I WROTE FICS??????
> 
> It's been SO LONG and I have no idea if I'm gonna keep writing this but I am very attached to this story so I'm glad I got to publish the next chapter! The BMC fandom may be dead but I am alive motherfuckers.
> 
> Anyway I hope you liked this chapter! This fic's become less of a self-indulgent homo zone thing and more of an examination of the SQUIP and Jeremy as characters to push back against the fandom's perception of them and going back to canon as a reference. I feel like people have forgotten that Jeremy actually really loves attention. Like that's his primary personality trait. He cares deeply about everybody and he loves attention. Meanwhile, the SQUIP is less of an abusive villain For The Evulz, and more of an abusive manipulator who's utilitarian tactics, disregarding its host's input, lead it to taking action towards its host's "goal" regardless of the ethical ramifications.
> 
> I don't know where I was going with this.
> 
> Uhhhh ok bye


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